|
|
10. |
Ability to invoke fear with minor changes of position/facial expression. |
|
9. |
Really wicked breath. |
|
8. |
Enjoy toying with mortals. |
|
7. |
They are constantly offered gifts in order to appease their wrath. |
|
6. |
Ability to gain total control over the humans in its territory. |
|
5. |
Claws that can decimate the toughest armor (and upholstery). |
|
4. |
Affinity for high perches from which it can survey all that it controls. |
|
3. |
The size of its ego is consistent with that of its evolutionary forebears. |
|
2. |
Habit of playing with food. |
... and the Number
1 Indication That Cats
Are The
Evolutionary Descendants of Dragons...
|
1. |
Ability to monitor its territory while seemingly asleep. |
A Cat's Bedtime
Prayer
----------------------
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And some cushions, soft and nice.
For grocery bags where I can hide,
Just like a tiger, crouched inside!
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back.
For window sills all warm and bright,
And shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool,
And keep the secret feline rule.
To NEVER tell the humans that,
This world is really ruled by cats!
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - Dave Platt
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this." - Anonymous "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get
eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you
later." - Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph
Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." -
Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned
by cats." - Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is
infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and
cats."- Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." -Unkown
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they
have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange
cats." - Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for
what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." - John S.
Nichols -- Murray F Spiegel
Night Time Surprise
I HEARD HIM TRYING TO BREAK IN.
I RAN TO THE CABINET, GRABBED MY PISTOL, SLAMMED THE
CLIP IN AND CHAMBERED A ROUND.
I WAS SCARED AS I SNUCK DOWN THE HALL TO THE BACK DOOR. I ALSO GRABBED A
FLASH LIGHT.
I OPENED THE DOOR AS QUIETLY AND AS SLOWLY AS I COULD. I TIP-TOED TO THE
SIDE OF THE HOUSE WHERE I HEARD HIM STILL WORKING ON THE SCREEN.
I TURNED THE CORNER AND PUT THE FLASHLIGHT AND GUN IN HIS FACE.
I YELLED "HANDS UP!" AS HE TURNED TO FACE ME.
See the culprit
Have you ever suspected that your cat may be from another planet? Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat standing on top of you, peering into your face, as if poised to perform some diabolical extraterrestrial experiment? When you feed your cat, does he or she look up at you skeptically as if to say "My rations in the spacepod were much better than this."
If so, your cat may be from outer space.
Many people live with cats from outer space. They may not realize it for years. Then one day, they're reading the Weekly World News and they notice that the pictured space aliens bear remarkable similarity to the moony-eyed, potbellied feline enigma crunched on their lap.
Reading further, they begin to suspect that their own cat may be involved in the alien abductions. They consider bringing it up with the cat, but fear that they themselves may end up rocketing across the galaxy on a spaceship full of cats, an empty bag stuffed in their mouth.
How to Tell If Your Cat Is from Outer Space
If you suspect that your cat may be from another planet, ask yourself these questions:
Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat
fighting with extraterrestrial beings from another dimension that no one
but the cat can see?
Does your cat often simulate life in an anti-gravity environment by rolling on his back to look at you upside down, or stretch into peculiar ballet positions in your arms?
Does your cat pretzel into strange sleeping postures that suggest she
has undergone extensive astronaut training?
Does your cat try to communicate with extraterrestrials by meowing at
the TV, sitting on short-wave radios, lying on the computer monitor, or
in any way attempting to serve as an antenna for a piece of consumer
electronics?
Does your cat stare at walls for hours as if receiving radio messages
from the Mothership through the plasterboard?
Does your cat respond to the phrase "Beam me up!" Does your cat respond
to anything in Klingon?
Does your cat meticulously push the sand around in her litterbox so that
it looks crater-pocked like the lunar surface?
Does your cat's style of communicating with your computer seem more
advanced than your own? For instance, does the cat sit on the monitor
and look at it upside, or lay on the keyboard until the computer won't
stop beeping?
Does your cat seem more intelligent than you are sometimes -- and
superior to you as well?
If you've answered "yes" to any of the above, your cat may be a visitor on earth, sneakily gathering reconnaissance information to aid his race in their plan to conquer human civilization and blanket the earth with carpet-covered kitty condos. Whatever you do, don't give him directions to the carpet store.
What Cats from Outer-Space Look Like
Cats from outer-space look very much like ordinary cats. They have four feet, a tail, whiskers, ears that swivel side to side to pick up sounds from deep space, and eyes that look at you as if they can't believe how dumb you are. In addition, they are remarkably adept at getting you to do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do: like pulling yourself out of bed at 3 A.M. to freshen the bowl of liver bits, or opening the back door a dozen times in less than an hour to let the cat.
What to Feed Cats from Outer Space
Nothing that you feed your cat from outer space will be as good as what they ate on their home planet--and they will remind you of this frequently. So don't even try to placate them.
Special Care Tips for Cats from Other Planets
Remember that sometimes your cat will slip into an alternate universe in which he will confuse you for a giant spaceship vending machine -- one that he needs merely to stand in front of meowing in order to elicit bowls of tuna and bits of cheese. Depending upon what corner of the galaxy your cat harkens from, he may confuse you for a robot instead -- one that he must repeatedly trip in order to procure treats and transport from.
How Cats from Outer Space Differ from Cats Who've Been Abducted by Aliens
Finally, you should not confuse cats from outer space with those who've been abducted by aliens. While the two kinds of cats are similar in many ways, cats who've been abducted by aliens like to run through the house crazily at night, jumping over furniture and scooting behind potted plants, re-enacting their escape from green men in saucer-shaped ships. Cats that have been abducted by aliens also like to remind you that they would have happily remained on the spaceship, for the aliens fed them fresher milk than you do (from those abducted cows), as well as lamb chops (from those abducted sheep), except that they worried that you would be apt to make a fool out of yourself by running to the National Enquirer, claiming that your cat had been abducted by aliens. Author Unknown
This is a true story about a Pastor that had a little kitten stuck up inthe kitty would not come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb so the Pastor decided that if he
tied a rope to his car and drove until the tree bent down, he could then
reach up and get the kitten. He did this, checking his progress in the car
frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree
would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved
just a bit further, the rope broke. The tree snapped upright and the
kitten instantly sailed through the air and out of sight.
He felt just terrible and walked all over the neighborhood asking people
if they had seen a little kitten. Nobody had and finally he prayed, "Lord,
I commit this kitten to Your keeping," and then went about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one of his church
members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see
cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked
her why she was buying cat food when she hated cats so much.
She replied, "You won't believe this but I have been refusing to buy my
little girl a cat even though she has been begging for one. Finally I told
her that if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.
"I watched my child go out into the yard, get on her knees and ask God for
a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this but I saw it with my own
eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky with its paws
spread out and landed right in front of her. Of course I had to let her
keep the kitten since it came from God...."
Why I called it Isle Of Avalon
Introduction page
-
Pronunciation:
(sen'u-shul), —n.
an officer having full charge of domestic arrangements, ceremonies, the
administration of justice, etc., in the household of a medieval prince or
dignitary; steward
Go to my non cat site: Dancing, Arthurian Legend, Books, Travel, Museums, Quotations, and Cooking.