Little Known Feline Diseases
Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioral
quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but
little-documented, afflictions of cats.
1. COLLAPSIBLE LEGS
Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the
ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc. After several
such maneuvers, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse,
leaving
the cat waggling its feet in the air.
Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the
exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though - some
feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover
spontaneously,
often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable
and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most
likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its
lifetime.
2. SNUDGING
Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available
part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that
the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This
condition gets
its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging". Snudging may
well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in
soggy clothing.
Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks
subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may
need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently,
usually when
the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or
telephone call.
3. BED-HOGGING
Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space
at night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy
the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath
the
covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious - any other cats on the
bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.
Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the
bed.If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the
cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected
cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized
beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging
precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been
known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a
cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept
her company during this time).
4. NON-SPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION (also NON-SPECIFIC SPIDER
INFESTATION)
Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and
cats with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from
minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire
ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between
ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with spider webs that it has
difficulty walking).
Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the
infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider etc) and combing webs out of
fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime
is highly
recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer greenfly
(research into this factor continues).
5. FUFFLING
Symptoms: The cat lowers its nose into water and exhales. This is
followed by whiffling, spluttering, sneezing, snorting, head-shaking and
a generally confused expression. Bath-foam appears to trigger attacks of
fuffling in some cats. It may also be linked to interesting items seen
in the water e.g. goldfish, food-crumbs, greeblingz. Fuffling is most
common during kittenhood although even quite elderly may suffer an
occasional bout.
Treatment: None. Snorkelling apparatus or scuba suits are
possibilities, but cats do not readily accept such treatment. Kittenhood
fuffling generally subsides as the cat grows older, possibly due to some
acquired immunity (or greater common sense).
6. IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME
Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps,
instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing,
getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on
again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone
etc.
Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you
are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer
otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the
lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap
Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although
attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.
7. LAP FUNGUS DISORDER
Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to
spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such
as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition
is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap
simultaneously.
Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is
ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is
required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats,
such treatment actually aggravates the condition. This disorder
manifests itself periodically through the affected cat's life and there
is no long-term cure.
8. SMURGLING
Symptoms: Varied:- sucking at clothing, owners earlobes/nose/
Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove
smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to
humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and
chapped skin.
9. GREEBLINGZ
Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through
house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be
non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO
sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings.
Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions.
There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if
a cat tackles such
greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are naturally
immune.
Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the
condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in
the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside
spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension.
These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt
the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.
